Songs of Freedom and Captivity
by JenLin
Summary: 10 random songs. 10 short fics. Join me to see where this might lead...  So far, we've got: Ianto's last night with Jack, Owen being an asshole, some personal musings, Gwen's diary, Jack waiting for the Doctor, Ianto and Tosh in a bar, etc...
1. Save Tonight

_I wanted to give the _10 songs/10 fics_ thing a go, but I decided to change it a little - I'm too much of a perfectionist to be able to leave a fic after 3 or so minutes, so why torture myself? And it's not cheating if I never decided to follow the rules in the first place! ;) These will, obviously, be completely random, and I've actually written only one so far - but I've let iTunes pick all the songs for me already - so let's hope I actually get to ten! Also, some of them (like this one) might have a slightly selective view of canon, but nothing too massive, I think. As always, any feedback you feel like giving is highly appreciated!_

_This one depicts the last night Ianto and Jack had together, as I wish it would have been (if he absolutely has to die, that is, which I don't really agree on, but no one asked me, so...). The characters belong to the BBC etc._

* * *

**Save tonight / and fight the break of dawn / Come tomorrow / tomorrow I'll be gone**

**Eagle Eye Cherry: Save tonight**

The night before the man called Ianto Jones died, both he and his partner had a sense of urgency; finality, even, about their lovemaking. Neither of them could know what the new day would bring, but nonetheless, in every touch, every kiss, every whispered word, there was a silent goodbye.

Afterwards, they lay together in bed, holding each other, and neither of them uttered a word. The moment was quiet and serene, which was something neither of them had experienced very often in their lives. Eventually, the man who was older than he looked, except for his eyes, kissed his young lover on the forehead, and proceeded to tell him a story about a far away world, a damsel in distress, and a dashing hero – a part that, of course, was played by the man himself. Ianto Jones listened to the incredible story, to the words of the man, but he knew him well; the ancient man had many stories, but most of them also contained more than the simple words would suggest. The young man had become so attuned to his lover, that he was able to decipher the true meaning behind his words with relative ease.

Therefore, he knew that when the other man said "It was my duty to protect her," he really meant "I would do anything for you." The two men did not throw declarations of any kind around themselves lightly, which meant that even the simplest confessions spoke volumes.

Ianto Jones did not know he was about to die. He had no idea that the next time he would be held by his lover, he would be taking his last, shaking breath. He did not know, but all the same he sensed that this moment was important somehow, a significant passage in their joined history, if nothing else. And it made him treasure his last night with his lover in a way every dying man should, but rarely can.


	2. Blood, Tears & Gold

_Here you go, chapitre deux_!_ I actually love Owen, I really do, but we all know he can be a complete arse when he wants to. So this one features a very pissed Owen (in two senses of the word), and poor Tosh taking some undeserved verbal abuse._

_Don't own a thing. Please review! :)_

* * *

**2. I never let you down baby, baby / And it won't get any better**

**Hurts: Blood, Tears & Gold**

"What do you want from me?"

My voice sounds sharp, I realise that, but I don't care. I'm pissed, and she should know I'm in no state to have this conversation. Who decides to have a serious conversation with a drunk person anyway? Only Tosh would be naïve enough to think it would actually get her anywhere...

"What, cat got your tongue? You seemed so bloody keen on having this conversation just a second ago, so go ahead, talk! What the hell is it that you're after, Tosh?"

"I..." She blushes, and looks down.

"You what? You assumed that if you 'save' me from my drunken self and get me home, I'd somehow be grateful enough to reward you with a shag, is that it?"

At least this brings out a proper reaction; she looks up, shocked.

"No! I just thought..."

I don't even let her finish.

"Save it! I don't need to hear your pathetic excuses. You need to realise something Tosh; it's not gonna happen! Whatever pretty picture it is that you've created in your pathetic little daydreams, there's no way you'll get anywhere close!"

I realise my rhetoric isn't at its best, but I couldn't care less about picking out bloody synonyms at the moment. Pathetic's what she is, anyway, so I might as well repeat it.

I can see her lower lip starting to tremble, but she's doing her best to keep herself composed. She's still standing there, though, so I decide to go at her with everything I've got, just to make sure she gets the hell out of here and leaves me alone.

"Did you think I made you some kind of promise? Do you? I said one drink, I pitied you enough for that, but I thought you'd realise that that's all it was, and not cling on like some sad, obsessed spinster!"

This seems to do it, and after a last, tear-eyed look at me, Tosh turns and leaves, not quite running, but close enough.

After she leaves, I pour myself a drink, and throw myself on the sofa. Bloody hell, that woman.

"She deserved it," I tell myself out loud, but already the anger and annoyance are being replaced by something else. Not guilt, I'd never feel guilty about something like that, but it's definitely something as unpleasant...

"I haven't made her any promises, I didn't let her down, it's not my fucking problem if she can't face the bloody truth!"

It doesn't sound convincing even to my own ears.

* * *

The next morning, with a killer head ache, I manage to drag myself out of bed and into the shower. When the water begins to clear my head, I remember my exchange with Tosh from the night before. Shit.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I didn't mean it, but I might have taken it a bit too far... I can't just go to work and pretend nothing happened; Tosh would be avoiding me, and looking like someone killed her puppy, at the very least, and even someone as blind as Jack would see that...

While getting dressed, I try to come up with something, anything, that will make Tosh get over herself and stop sulking, which she's doing, no doubt about it. I suddenly remember that mysterious bouquet of flowers that she got once, thinking it was from me, and the look of total bliss on her face. That will do. Tosh is so damned easy to please.


	3. Common State of Mind

_I was planning on doing all of these on Torchwood, but of course the Doctor couldn't keep out of it, so here we are (it's not all DW though, because, of course, Jack couldn't be kept out, either ;) ). This one was inspired not only by the song, but also by the second _Meanwhile in the TARDIS_ which can be found on the S5 DVD (or YouTube), the one after the Weeping Angels, and the kiss. Hope you like it, please review!_

_I don't own Doctor Who, either. Quelle surprise.  
_

* * *

**3. Do I disappoint you with my constant floating? / Do I maybe hurt you with my past?**

**Fork: Common State of Mind**

Amy had accused him of sending mixed signals. He kept pretending he didn't know what she was talking about, but he had to admit he had indeed noticed she'd been interested in him in _that_ way, and he had quite enjoyed it, actually, if he was quite honest with himself. That didn't mean he wanted her to act on it, though, certainly not.

He did find Amy attractive, he couldn't deny that. And funny, and a generally nice sort of person to keep around. He couldn't help it if she had unrealistic expectations. Could he? No. No, he couldn't, of course he couldn't, no one should blame him for it, the least of all himself. God, this was confusing.

And besides, even if he'd wanted something to happen with Amy, it would never work. He was 907 years old. He was an alien, from her point of view anyway, which, technically, from his point of view, made _her_ an alien. He smiled slightly when the face of Captain Jack Harkness suddenly flashed through his mind. Jack had never minded if someone was human or alien. Or man, or woman, or _both_. Or neither, for that matter.

Wait – was he comparing himself to Jack now? _Jack Harkness_, of all people? This was definitely not good.

Where was he before he got distracted by thoughts of Jack – so easily done... Oh, right, yes. Why it wouldn't work with Amy. Yes. She was engaged, getting married in the morning, even. She needed someone stable, who didn't mind staying in one place and starting a family and all those things which humans made a point of doing. He, on the other hand, was definitely not stable. Not even his appearance stayed the same! Imagine that; going to sleep next to a man one night, and waking up to another the next! No, definitely not good.

Then there was his past, all those things which there was no need for her to know about – although he had a slight suspicion that she would go nosing around and find out about them anyway. He'd been honest to her about most things, though, like being alien, and so very old, and all that, but it didn't seem to matter to her.

Suddenly, the Doctor wondered why he was even having this conversation with himself. Nothing like that was going to happen with Amy, and that was that. Now, where was that big-nosed nurse-boy when you needed him?


	4. Decode

_A bit of Gwen coming up, I hope you like it, and if you do, you know what to do about it ;)_

_Still own nothing.  
_

* * *

**4. How can I decide what's right / When you're clouding up my mind**

**Paramore: Decode**

Everyone at Torchwood Three knew that Ianto kept a diary, but no one was aware of the fact that Gwen had one, too; she hid it from everyone, even Rhys. At first, after the incident with the Retcon, and the file, the one she'd written to remind herself about Torchwood, being deleted from her computer, the diary had started out as a way of making sure they couldn't make her forget again, no matter what. After a while, though, Gwen had noticed that writing her thoughts down felt quite therapeutic, and it helped her sort herself out after particularly difficult or emotionally draining days.

The early pages of her diary focused on her work; all the new and amazing things she learned about the universe, alien technology she could never have dreamed of, alien species she encountered... Then, a little further on, _Owen_ and _guilt_ became two frequently recurring words. Back then, Rhys hadn't known anything about what she did, so she had to hide the diary somewhere she knew he'd never find it, and therefore she wasn't anxious about putting her affair with Owen on paper.

Lately, however, her writing had taken on a different tone. With Owen, it had been simple; she slept with Owen, and felt wonderful, and then she went home to Rhys, and felt guilty. Emotionally, it had been hard as hell, but at least she knew what it was; sex. An affair. Cheating. Now, however, the subject of her focus was Jack, and with him, Gwen had no idea what it was.

_Is it cheating if you just think about someone else? If you consider the possibilities, things that could happen between you? I suppose that depends; are they just innocent daydreams, or are you planning, or at least hoping, to act on them? That might be true, but what if you don't know what you'd do if the opportunity presented itself?_

_When Jack left, I was so angry with him for leaving us to sort things out by ourselves. Then I was relieved that I wouldn't have to wonder anymore if there was anything between us. And finally, I just missed him something awful. And then he came back, and saw my ring, and although I had meant to tell him that he had his chance and blew it – not in so many words, of course, but that was meant to be implied – it ended up sounding more like me regretting the choice I'd made and couldn't back away from, and wishing he'd have come back earlier, before I could accept Rhys' proposal. Oh God, maybe that's what I really meant to tell him all along!_

Gwen stopped writing, and stared at the words in front of her. Did she regret accepting Rhys? She loved him, of course she did, but if Jack had come back earlier and given her some kind of promise, or even just hinted at a possible future together, would she be where she was today?

_How am I supposed to know what to do, when the mere presence of Jack awakes all the hopes and dreams, no matter how unrealistic, that I've ever had for us? On an intellectual level I know that Jack is __not__ the kind of man you tie yourself to; he's unstable, he won't stay – and he's immortal, for God's sake! But that doesn't help – I still... well... want him, I guess. I know he'd take me to his bed if I asked him, Ianto or no Ianto..._

... Jack would probably suggest Ianto joined them, Gwen thought...

_...but I'd just make a complete fool of myself, thinking there could be anything more. I have to make myself see sense, no matter how difficult it is. Rhys is a great guy. He's the man I love. He's the one I'm going to marry. _

_God help me._


	5. Brightest Hour

_This is one of my favourite songs, and although it's short, it gave me lots of inspiration for different things. This is the one I chose. Torchwood and Doctor Who belongs to the BBC.  
_

_For years and years and years Jack waited patiently for his Doctor.  
_

* * *

**5. Wandering through starry skies / and when tomorrow's day arrives / I'll be a moment closer to / the brightest hour here with you**

**The Submarines: Brightest Hour**

Jack waited for the Doctor for a long time. He knew the TARDIS would turn up in Cardiff eventually, and he knew the wait would be long, but nevertheless, he waited. He spent nights on roofs of high buildings, looking out over the city he worked so hard to protect, and at the starry skies above him. He remembered the many places out there where he'd been, and many more he'd heard about but never seen.

_I'm here_, was the silent prayer he sent up towards the stars. _I'm waiting. Come back for me._

One day, the Doctor would come. And no matter how far in the future it was, Jack knew that every morning he saw arrive over the rooftops of Cardiff brought him closer to that day, closer to the Doctor.


	6. Take Me Home, Country Roads

_Here's another one, hope you enjoy! I still own nothing (but I did finally order the DVDs off Amazon, yay!)_

_It took being imprisoned and tortured by the Master for Jack realise the meaning of home.  
_

* * *

**6. Driving down the road, I get a feeling / that I should have been home yesterday**

**John Denver: Take me home, country roads**

Jack hadn't thought he'd see Cardiff Bay again. Such a common, everyday view; noting special at all, really. To an outsider. To him, however, it was home.

The year spent in chains aboard the Valiant had taught Jack the meaning of home. It was the place where you felt you belonged; the place you missed when you were away; the place you saw when you closed your eyes. And, most importantly, it was where the people you loved could be found. It took Jack being imprisoned and tortured to realise that, and once he did, he would have kicked himself for being so stupid, had it not been for the chains, and the fact that the Master and his 'friends' did it so well for him. He'd been thick enough, he saw that now, but after that epiphany the only thought in Jack's mind, even pushing out the concern for Martha and her mission, the only thing keeping Jack going, was the thought of one day getting back to Cardiff. Getting back to the hub, to his team – to Ianto. Every time the Master began his new-found hobby and sport of Killing Jack, Jack would see Ianto in front of him, imagine the sound of his voice and the touch of his lips, and it would carry him through it all.

When it was all over, and Jack stood by the Plass with the Doctor and Martha, he didn't have the time or inclination to be sentimental about being home. He had to find his team. Jack was focusing on the whole team now; somewhere along the line he had realised that no matter what he had shared with Ianto in the past, he couldn't make any assumptions anymore.

Now, however, he had all the time in the world. He had found the team, and together they had gotten rid of Hart, and set everything back to normal; for now, anyway. Finally, Jack had the time to lean over the railing by the water, looking out over the bay that he hadn't seen for more than a year, but which still held all the familiarity of a place he'd called home for so long. It was the time of day he enjoyed the most; early morning, the light slowly increasing as the sun rose, a slight breeze crossing the Plass behind him. Jack closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. Perfection.

Perfection, which was enhanced by the sound of very familiar footsteps approaching, and the smell of fresh coffee. It was simple, it was ordinary, but it was exactly what had kept Jack sane during those long, long months.


	7. Halo

_In this one, we've got a drunk, slightly incoherent Ianto, and a drunk Tosh having an epiphany concerning the relationship between her boss and his teaboy... Set sometime soon-ish after KKBB. Hope you enjoy, please review, and Torchwood belongs to the BBC._

* * *

**7. You're everything I need and more / It's written all over your face**

**Beyoncé: Halo**

"You know, Tosh," Ianto slurred, "to the world, Jack's, like, this _dashing_ _hero_ who runs around in this... antique _coat_ and... _saves_ the _world_ all the time, but actually, he can really be a proper _asshole!_"

Toshiko giggled.

"He is dashing though, and you know it," she replied.

"That's not the point! That man is the definition of 'high maintenance'! He's got me sorting out the _archives_, which haven't had a proper cleaning for, like, a _century_, and making the _coffee_, and getting _lunch_, and feeding the _Weevils_, and taking his coat to the _drycleaner's_, and that's fine, 'cos that's my job, you know..."

The almost unintelligible stream of speech stopped, and Ianto looked like he needed a moment to collect his thoughts, while Tosh waited patiently for the 'but'.

"...but then he bloody _left_, without a word, which, you know, just _sucked_..."

_Poor Ianto_, Tosh thought to herself. She guessed he had tried not to get too emotionally attached to Jack and whatever the two had going, but it was clear to her that he'd failed. She wanted to believe that Jack had real feelings for Ianto, but knowing Jack, working with him for so long and seeing the way he just left, she had a hard time seeing that possibility. She really wished Ianto would get over Jack and find somebody else.

Ianto continued with his drunken monologue. "...but then, _then,_ he comes _back_, walks in just like that, asks me out on an actual _date_, and expects me to just go running back to him! What an asshole," he finished, mumbling the last bit to himself.

Hearing about the date surprised Tosh, who had never imagined the two men having anything more than a... _strictly physical_ relationship. Surely, she couldn't be mistaken? Maybe Jack just tried to make up for leaving, in order to get back on Ianto's good side?

Suddenly, Ianto lowered his face into his hands, and groaned.

"Oh, who am I kidding? I _did_ go running back to him! God, I'm easy!"

He looked up at Tosh, having some trouble focusing on her face, although she was sitting right across from him at the little table.

"Do you think I'm easy?" he slurred at her.

Startled, she didn't know what to reply to that.

"I..." was all she managed, and Ianto groaned again.

"Oh, of course I am! But what could I do?"

His voice was almost pleading, now.

"Jack needs me. He was somewhere awful for ages, when he was away, you know, and he was being tortured, and killed, and now he has nightmares about it, and he wants me there, at night, it helps with the nightmares, he told me that, and I knew, well, thought, anyway, that he needed me, before, you know, but then he left, and I wasn't so sure anymore, but now I know, 'cos he told me..." The ramblings went on and on.

"...so what choice did I have?" Ianto finally finished, and looked expectantly at Tosh, who was still trying to sort out the fast flow of information in her not-too-sober head.

Her first thought was that Ianto had to be completely pissed to tell her things like that about Jack. He hadn't told her any specifics, but even this was much more than he would normally reveal. _How many drinks have we had?_ Tosh wondered, and looked around her, as if to get a clue from the crowded bar. Then she focused on the actual content of Ianto's outburst.

_So Jack went through something awful when he was away. And now he's back. And he went to Ianto for comfort. And not only sex, apparently, although I'm sure there's lots of that, too..._

Toshiko's eyes glazed over slightly as her mind was filled with images of two naked male bodies, entwined... She snapped out of it quickly, and made herself go back to her earlier train of thought. _So, this must mean that Jack does need Ianto. That he came back for him, like he said. Amazing_.

Having finally sorted through the overload of new information, and shifted her view on a lot of things, Tosh finally looked at Ianto, and smiled at him.

"You did the right thing. Jack needs you, and you need him, and together, you'll get through this. And that, I think, deserves another drink!" she finished enthusiastically, and staggered off towards the bar.


	8. Drumming Song

_Ianto had feelings for Jack even before the whole Lisa-incident, but it took him a while to come to terms with them. _

_(In this one, 'Lisa' means the events of Cyberwoman, not just the person, so "Before Lisa" is before the events of that episode, not before he met her. And I know "During Lisa" isn't a great way of describing it, but it was the only thing I could come up with that would work the way I wanted...)_

_Characters etc. don't belong to me. Hope you like it!_

* * *

**8. There's a drumming noise inside my head / That starts when you're around / I swear that you could hear it / It makes such an all mighty sound**

**Florence + the Machine: Drumming Song**

It started before Lisa.

From Ianto's first day at the hub, Jack would make comments, particularly ones about how good he looked in a suit. Ianto wasn't surprised; he'd read up on Jack while at Torchwood London, and listened to the gossip in the office there, which, in fact, had led him to the particular outfit he had been wearing when he and Jack first met. Later on, he had of course realised that the suit was a much better look for his purposes than the rent-boy outfit had been.

_His purposes_. Yes. To get on Jack's good side by any means necessary – even if those means included him walking around in a dark park, dressed like a streetwalker – in order to get on the team, into the hub, and find a place for Lisa. Those were his only motives.

Or so he kept telling himself. And the fact that he had to keep telling himself that – regularly, in fact – made Ianto a little bit worried.

* * *

It continued during Lisa.

Jack could have shot him. Actually, Ianto didn't see any reason for Jack not shooting him. He even wanted to be shot. Maybe that was it. He had to be punished, so a sure way would be not to give him what he wanted.

When it was all over, Jack told Ianto to go home, and stay there. For four weeks. Right then, Ianto hadn't cared what happened to him, so he just left the hub, managed to get home, and slept. For days, he just slept, or sat on his sofa, staring at the TV in front of him without bothering to turn it on. At first, his mind seemed too full of awful things to be able to deal with anything, and then, it seemed to shut itself off completely. His head felt empty, and he just went on with his daily routine, if it could be called a routine.

After the third day, Jack turned up. He took one look at Ianto, and then led him into the bathroom, handed him a towel, and left, no words needed to express that Ianto was a mess. Obediently, Ianto showered and shaved for the first time since Lisa.

During the next few weeks, Jack kept coming over, bringing supper and making sure Ianto looked at least somewhat presentable. Sometimes, when he couldn't make it, he'd send one of the girls, or even Owen. Ianto didn't mind Owen visiting; the doctor would just pretend he was there for a medical check-up, and he wouldn't make a fuss, but Tosh never really knew what to say, and Gwen always looked at him with those huge eyes full of pity, and wanted to talk about his feelings, which wasn't something he wanted to do, especially not with her. He was always relieved when Jack came back.

He realised this one day, when Tosh was about to leave.

"Jack said he's sorry he hasn't been able to make it lately, but that he'll be here tomorrow," she said, sounding slightly apologetic for some reason, before kissing Ianto on the cheek and leaving. At the news, Ianto realised his heart had started beating a little faster, which surprised him.

_It's just Jack. He's been here countless times before. Not for a few days, sure, but still..._

And then Ianto remembered the slight sinking feeling he'd had in his stomach every time he'd opened the door these past four days, only to find it wasn't Jack - again. He realised he'd actually been missing Jack; their dinners, their conversations, simply being in Jack's company.

* * *

It continued after Lisa.

When Ianto got back to the office, he wasn't met with any coldness from his co-workers. He might have feared that at some point, early on in his suspension, if his turned-off brain had been able to process such feelings, but having spent more time with all of them in the past four weeks than during his entire time at Torchwood put together, he knew there wouldn't be any awkwardness. The last week before his return, each one of them had expressed various degrees of joy at the prospect of his return. Gwen had been embarrassingly open about her feelings, hugging Ianto and wishing him welcome back to work, Tosh had been a bit more subdued, just saying she was happy he'd be back soon, although showing clearly in her manner that she really meant it, and even Owen had made a comment about how shit the coffee had been lately, and that it would be nice to get some proper stuff to drink again. Jack hadn't said much, only squeezing Ianto's shoulder before leaving on the night before his return to work, and saying "See you tomorrow," with a smile that made Ianto's heart ache, just a little, and definitely in a good way.

Since when did his heart ache when Jack smiled at him?


	9. Indian

_I had this fic planned out a little bit differently (basically, a little bit later in the mourning process), but then I got the news that someone quite close to me had passed away after fighting cancer for a very long time, and I needed some way to handle those feelings, so here we are..._

_Jack is no stranger to death, but this time it doesn't make it any easier... End of CoE, obviosuly. And I own nothing (although I have finally got the full DVD box...)._

* * *

**9. ****One brief moment brought agony, blackened my heart / No light for me, no way out...**

**Sturm und Drang - Indian**

Jack knew death well. In this eternal life of his, it seemed to be his constant companion. And being familiar with death meant being familiar with loss. During his many years on this planet, and also during the years before he even reached it, Jack had had to bear more loss than seemed humanly possible. But somehow he did. He had to.

As time passed, Jack had learned not to mourn those who died of old age in their beds, surrounded by their loved ones, with no regrets about the past and no fears for the future. He couldn't say he thought they were going to a better place, but he knew there was no need to mourn them.

Those deaths, however, had been a minority of those he had experienced. Most people he knew died violent deaths; early deaths; unfortunate, tragic, unnecessary deaths. Those were harder to bear. Jack never got used to seeing the light go out in the eyes of someone who mere moments before had been so full of life. He cared about everyone he worked with; they were part of his team, after all, and that made it so much harder to see them die.

This, however, was even worse than losing a teammate that he cared about. This was hell. It was torture, and terror, and heart-wrenching _pain_. It was worse than any one of the many deaths he'd experienced himself. The pain of those deaths was temporary, but this, _this_ seemed to be more than he could take. There was no way out of it, his head was full of it, and he feared it would drive him insane. Actually, insanity would be welcome – at least it would relieve the terrible, excruciating pain that now filled him every moment of every day.

Jack Harkness was no stranger to death and loss. He knew the pain, and the emptiness, and the sorrow. The awful finality of it all. He was no stranger to the pain it brought, but no matter how many times he had gone through it, nothing could prepare him for this, or relieve him of the feelings that were overwhelming him now.


End file.
